My Fig Tree Is Not Producing Fruit

So, I've got this fig tree, right? It's been with me for what feels like forever, and it's given me some seriously delicious figs in the past. But this year? Crickets. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I mean, I'm starting to feel like I'm in some sort of figgy drought. You feel me?

First Things First: Let's Talk Location

I mean, have you seen where I planted this thing? It's like I gave it the worst real estate in the entire garden. Too much shade, not enough sun. I'm starting to think it's like that one friend who's always complaining about the weather - "Oh, it's too hot, too cold, too humid..." I swear, if it could talk, it'd be saying, "Hey, I'm a fig tree, not a fern!"

Water, Water, Everywhere...

Now, I've been watering it like it's my job. I mean, I've got the watering can out more than my mom used to check if I was home past curfew. But is it too much? Too little? I'm starting to feel like Goldilocks over here, trying to find the perfect watering balance.

Maybe It's Time for a Check-Up

I mean, have you ever taken your plant to the doctor? No, not like that. I'm talking about a plant doctor. A horticulturist. A green-thumb guru. Maybe it's time for a little check-up. I mean, it can't hurt, right? Worst case, I get some peace of mind. Best case, I find out it's been eating too many figgy snacks and needs a diet.

Fig Tree, NO FRUIT - Grow Figs Not Leaves | The 4 Reasons Why Your Fig

Let's Talk Fertilizer

I've been feeding it like it's my kid going off to college. But maybe I've been overdoing it? Underdoing it? I don't know. I'm starting to feel like I'm in some sort of figgy fertilizer limbo. I mean, how much is too much? How little is too little? It's like trying to figure out how many slices of pizza is a 'healthy' serving. (Spoiler alert: It's all of them.)

Maybe It's Just Not That Into You

I mean, have you ever thought about the fact that maybe, just maybe, your plant isn't into you? I know, I know, it's a tough pill to swallow. But maybe it's time to face the facts. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to find a new figgy love. I mean, there are plenty of fish in the sea... and plenty of plants in the nursery.

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But Seriously, Let's Try One More Thing

Before I go full-on figgy heartbreak, let's try one more thing. Let's give it some love. Some attention. Some good old-fashioned plant TLC. Maybe it's just been feeling neglected. Maybe it's just been waiting for a little pick-me-up. Maybe it's just been waiting for me to write this article. (Dramatic pause.) Okay, probably not that last one.

So, there you have it. My fig tree woes laid bare. I mean, I'm not saying I'm going to start a support group or anything (Figgy Friends Anonymous, anyone?), but I am saying that if you've got any tips, any tricks, any words of wisdom, I'm all ears. (And eyes. And figgy paws.) Let's get this figgy party started, shall we?