I Don't Want To Live Any Longer

So, I was sitting at my grandma's kitchen table the other day, shoveling in her famous apple pie (which, by the way, is so good it should be illegal), and I started thinking, "You know what? I don't want to live any longer." Now, before you start picturing me as some sort of modern-day Eeyore, let me explain.

I'm Not Talking About the Hereafter

No, no, I'm not planning on checking out anytime soon. I mean, who would finish off that pie if I did? I'm talking about this whole 'living longer' trend that's been going on. You know, the one where scientists are all, "Hey, we've added another decade to the average human lifespan! Isn't that great?" And I'm over here, scratching my head, thinking, "But... why?"

Let's Talk About the Elephant in the Room

I mean, think about it. We're already living so long that we've run out of things to do. I've seen people on Facebook posting about their great-grandkids' great-grandkids. Great-grandkids! When did we even become great-grandparents? And don't get me started on those people who are all, "Oh, I'm 90, but I feel like I'm 30!" Newsflash: You're not 30. You're 90. You've lived through two World Wars, the invention of the lightbulb, and the rise and fall of disco. You're basically a human Wikipedia.

And don't even get me started on retirement. Remember when retirement meant you could finally kick back, relax, and enjoy your golden years? Now, it's like, "Oh, you're 65? Great! Now you have 30 more years to worry about your 401k and whether or not you should have gotten that reverse mortgage." It's enough to make a guy want to join the witness protection program just to get some peace and quiet.

But Wait, There's More!

And it's not just us humans who are living longer. My dog, Max, is 15. Fifteen! When I got him, he was a tiny little ball of fur, and now he's a grumpy old man who sleeps all day and farts all night. And don't even get me started on the fact that he's outlived two of my other dogs. I mean, come on, universe. That's just cruel.

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And it's not just dogs. Turtles are living to be over 100. Tortoises are living to be over 150. And don't even get me started on those immortal jellyfish that can technically live forever. I mean, what's the point of being a jellyfish if you're just going to live forever? It's not like you can enjoy it. You're a jellyfish.

But What About the Benefits?

I know what you're thinking. "But longer lives mean more time to enjoy life! More time to travel, to learn, to experience new things!" And you're right. But here's the thing: I've already done all that. I've been to Paris. I've climbed a mountain. I've eaten a whole pizza by myself. I don't need another 30 years to do all that again. I'm good.

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And besides, what about all the stuff we haven't done yet? Like, what if we run out of new music to listen to? Or new movies to watch? Or new memes to laugh at? What are we supposed to do then? Just sit around, twiddling our thumbs, waiting for the end? That sounds like my own personal version of hell.

So, What's the Solution?

I don't know, man. I'm not a scientist. All I know is that I've got a lot of living to do in the next 70 or 80 years, and I don't want to waste it sitting around, waiting for the next big thing to happen. I want to enjoy what I've got while I've got it. I want to eat that apple pie and enjoy every single bite. I want to watch the sunset and appreciate the beauty of it. I want to live in the moment, not the future.

So, here's to living long enough to enjoy life, but not so long that we run out of things to do. Here's to living in the now, not the then. And here's to grandma's apple pie. Because, seriously, that stuff is amazing.